in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
