even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
im on a boat
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