just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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