suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
