did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
