I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
