i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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