I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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