I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
