I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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