i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
this beer tastes like vomit already
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
