my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
