i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Randomize
