Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
