it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
He did a backflip because drugs
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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