I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
