I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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