If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
