Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
