Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
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