You're completely useless in the revolution.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
cat food counts as protein by the way
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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