why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
