I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
