He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
