I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
You're like the curious george of whores
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
