I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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