Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Someone signed my nipple.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
