The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
