Soap is not a condiment
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
