I'm pants shitting drunk right now
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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