My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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