just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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