So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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