dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
