I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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