I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
