is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
