We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
