Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
