Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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