my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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