the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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