WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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