Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
