Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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