I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
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