so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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