I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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