come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
