Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
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